I had another dream last night. I keep feeling like I’m dreaming of the same people over and over again. Some people I don’t mind. Other’s, I do. You ever feel like you’re in love with someone who doesn’t know or care you exist? Well, in this case, I like to pretend my little crush doesn’t exist. I pretend that I don’t give two shits but let’s face it- I really don’t have much for a middle ground. If I love you I need to treat you like I could care less about you but if once you cried my name… I’d so come running. You think you stiffen yourself after so much pain and yet the inability to show the love you truly wish to give can be more torture than anything else.
But what is love? I’ve been through my list of men I’ve dated versus men I have slept with and although the dating list heavily outweighs the slept with list, I feel like maybe I missed my “grow-up” que while smoking cigarettes and swigging vodka in the girls bathroom. There was always that one bathroom no one would go into and yes…. It had a view and I had my drink.
I think I remember the same thing i know that they whispered behind my back then as well as know. “What a slut. Oh my god! She totally fucks everyone…” after that point I kind of stopped listening or maybe that was the stoli. Yet after looking at them with dead eyes and a drunken cigarette drenched smile, I knew there were scared of me. That’s something to be proud of these days.
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