Why does everything have to be so complicated?

I'm an idiot. That's simple. Every time I have a chance at being happy I stupidly find a reason or method to push the potential love out of my life. I tried texting him and I got ignored. I tried calling him and once again was ignored. I took it as a slight.

I think what terrifies me the most if the fact that the he made me feel something. He made me forget about all the shit that was flying around my brain and gave me a moment just to be me. In my entire life I have never felt that way before. It's ridicoulous! It was just one kiss and I felt happy. Happiness like I have never known. Ever. The words were so simple but they cut me to the core.

I thought he was a player and maybe he still is. Did he ever care about me at all? Or am I just longing for soemthing I will never have? Or mourning what I had for but one night?

But he's taken now and some how I feel relieved. I feel so helpless when someone walks into my life and can take total control of my heart and make me feel like a teenager again. I have dated so many people and I could always walk away but for some reason, there is something about him that captures heart.

I've always ran away from things and even when I came to the country praying for the truest of love, Iwas still running. Now I feel so stupid for running away when All I should have said was, "Guess what? I have feelings for you! Let's date!" I wanted to make him dinner and how him would wonderful the small things could be. Than keep him for the night... tee hee.

Alright I would have never said that in my life because flatly I'm to chicken shit. I feel comfortable that he is with someone else and can find happiness with them. I truly believe that I am not supposed to have my dream and maybe be devoted to a bigger cause.

I want a happy marriage and have children and live happily ever after. I want a man who I don't have to hide from or lie to. Someone that will give me something that I have never had before, unconditional love. To someone to share everything I am, everything I was and everything I am going to be but love... True love is something that I don't ever think I will have.

I'm not built for it. Push people away because it is so easy to hurt me when I think you are toying with me. I push people away for the smallest of reasons. Any reason. And in this case. I will claim any and all responsibility for the potential failure of love in any aspect. I think I will be alone forever and I should just surrender myself to fate and just stick to saving the world. After all it seems that it's the only thing I'm really good at.

More to report later.