I'm an idiot. That's simple. Every time I have a chance at being happy I stupidly find a reason or method to push the potential love out of my life. I tried texting him and I got ignored. I tried calling him and once again was ignored. I took it as a slight.
I think what terrifies me the most if the fact that the he made me feel something. He made me forget about all the shit that was flying around my brain and gave me a moment just to be me. In my entire life I have never felt that way before. It's ridicoulous! It was just one kiss and I felt happy. Happiness like I have never known. Ever. The words were so simple but they cut me to the core.
I thought he was a player and maybe he still is. Did he ever care about me at all? Or am I just longing for soemthing I will never have? Or mourning what I had for but one night?
But he's taken now and some how I feel relieved. I feel so helpless when someone walks into my life and can take total control of my heart and make me feel like a teenager again. I have dated so many people and I could always walk away but for some reason, there is something about him that captures heart.
I've always ran away from things and even when I came to the country praying for the truest of love, Iwas still running. Now I feel so stupid for running away when All I should have said was, "Guess what? I have feelings for you! Let's date!" I wanted to make him dinner and how him would wonderful the small things could be. Than keep him for the night... tee hee.
Alright I would have never said that in my life because flatly I'm to chicken shit. I feel comfortable that he is with someone else and can find happiness with them. I truly believe that I am not supposed to have my dream and maybe be devoted to a bigger cause.
I want a happy marriage and have children and live happily ever after. I want a man who I don't have to hide from or lie to. Someone that will give me something that I have never had before, unconditional love. To someone to share everything I am, everything I was and everything I am going to be but love... True love is something that I don't ever think I will have.
I'm not built for it. Push people away because it is so easy to hurt me when I think you are toying with me. I push people away for the smallest of reasons. Any reason. And in this case. I will claim any and all responsibility for the potential failure of love in any aspect. I think I will be alone forever and I should just surrender myself to fate and just stick to saving the world. After all it seems that it's the only thing I'm really good at.
More to report later.
Friday, August 5, 2011
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Fucking dreams!!!
I had another dream last night. I keep feeling like I’m dreaming of the same people over and over again. Some people I don’t mind. Other’s, I do. You ever feel like you’re in love with someone who doesn’t know or care you exist? Well, in this case, I like to pretend my little crush doesn’t exist. I pretend that I don’t give two shits but let’s face it- I really don’t have much for a middle ground. If I love you I need to treat you like I could care less about you but if once you cried my name… I’d so come running. You think you stiffen yourself after so much pain and yet the inability to show the love you truly wish to give can be more torture than anything else.
But what is love? I’ve been through my list of men I’ve dated versus men I have slept with and although the dating list heavily outweighs the slept with list, I feel like maybe I missed my “grow-up” que while smoking cigarettes and swigging vodka in the girls bathroom. There was always that one bathroom no one would go into and yes…. It had a view and I had my drink.
I think I remember the same thing i know that they whispered behind my back then as well as know. “What a slut. Oh my god! She totally fucks everyone…” after that point I kind of stopped listening or maybe that was the stoli. Yet after looking at them with dead eyes and a drunken cigarette drenched smile, I knew there were scared of me. That’s something to be proud of these days.
But what is love? I’ve been through my list of men I’ve dated versus men I have slept with and although the dating list heavily outweighs the slept with list, I feel like maybe I missed my “grow-up” que while smoking cigarettes and swigging vodka in the girls bathroom. There was always that one bathroom no one would go into and yes…. It had a view and I had my drink.
I think I remember the same thing i know that they whispered behind my back then as well as know. “What a slut. Oh my god! She totally fucks everyone…” after that point I kind of stopped listening or maybe that was the stoli. Yet after looking at them with dead eyes and a drunken cigarette drenched smile, I knew there were scared of me. That’s something to be proud of these days.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Practically magic
One dark, stormy night lonely night when I was cruising my Netflix queue and came across an old favorite movie. I really didn’t have enough time to play around with movies lately but there it was, “practical magic.” I thought when I had watched the movie; it would just be a movie I hadn’t seen in a while. But considering everything that had happened over the last year or two maybe it wasn’t the greatest idea. But it made me re-evalulate a few those things on the list.
I first created the list to help me to no longer settle on people or things that always ended up being an issue. I wanted to give myself a code to prove to myself that I needed certain things. However, looking back on everything I decided maybe rewriting the list to make it even MORE exclusive would help protect my heart from being broken.
When you are married and happy, you are so far removed from any heart ache or the pain of losing a loved one to another. It is so easy to forget that and in the end it is a blessing and a curse. As I watching this movie I reminded me of why I started this list.
I was always told that the women in our family had a somewhat curse on them. The women were never to be happy in love or successful. They said it was something having to do with the gypsies in our family. Having only half the blood I kind of figured it was a 50/50 chance, glass half full thing.
I remember gazing over hot steel topped roofs and listening the dizzying music of urban jungle. I would step out on to the balcony feeling the cool relief of the cement on my feet. I stared at the distant stars filtering through the dark musk that was my night’s sky. The moon hung unusually low.
I wished for something better than this- somewhere with no curses or loneliness. I tried to think of ways out. Any way out but hopefully through the notion of true love. I tried through dating. I always looked good on someone’s arm. Apparently I looked like a girl next door and that looked good to parents but as it came to just a relationship, I seemed to push away at any given chance. Any excuse, I would find a reason to kick them out of my life.
That was my code. Everything was earned and there were a lot people not willing to stick around for the “earning” part but they wanted all the benefits. It was no skin off my nose to kick them out of my life but that was the hardest part. Finding reasons never was that easy either than the fact that they made me uncomfortable… okay VERY uncomfortable.
I first created the list to help me to no longer settle on people or things that always ended up being an issue. I wanted to give myself a code to prove to myself that I needed certain things. However, looking back on everything I decided maybe rewriting the list to make it even MORE exclusive would help protect my heart from being broken.
When you are married and happy, you are so far removed from any heart ache or the pain of losing a loved one to another. It is so easy to forget that and in the end it is a blessing and a curse. As I watching this movie I reminded me of why I started this list.
I was always told that the women in our family had a somewhat curse on them. The women were never to be happy in love or successful. They said it was something having to do with the gypsies in our family. Having only half the blood I kind of figured it was a 50/50 chance, glass half full thing.
I remember gazing over hot steel topped roofs and listening the dizzying music of urban jungle. I would step out on to the balcony feeling the cool relief of the cement on my feet. I stared at the distant stars filtering through the dark musk that was my night’s sky. The moon hung unusually low.
I wished for something better than this- somewhere with no curses or loneliness. I tried to think of ways out. Any way out but hopefully through the notion of true love. I tried through dating. I always looked good on someone’s arm. Apparently I looked like a girl next door and that looked good to parents but as it came to just a relationship, I seemed to push away at any given chance. Any excuse, I would find a reason to kick them out of my life.
That was my code. Everything was earned and there were a lot people not willing to stick around for the “earning” part but they wanted all the benefits. It was no skin off my nose to kick them out of my life but that was the hardest part. Finding reasons never was that easy either than the fact that they made me uncomfortable… okay VERY uncomfortable.
It begins!
I have no idea how to even begin this or even what to say. Some of you might not like what I have to say but in that sense if you can’t take me at my worst you don’t deserve at my best. Sorry but thems the breaks. I think this started with I started writing when I first started a guy named “John”.
I remember how gullible I was. I thought I was so smooth and lucky when I met him. Older, kinda sexy, but he paid attention to me. Sounds shallow. Really dumb but give me a break I was what, 13, 14? We ended up dating on and off for several years. I thought he was everything to me. I let him smack me around a bit. I was barely 100 pounds being swung around by a 230 pound man about 6’1.
I remembered how I to hide the scars and bruises. I thought that would show how much I loved him. Once again, I didn’t say I was smart at this point. It was only when I realized that he had been breaking pieces of his chastity to other girls at “stoner’s” point—classy right? I sat down (quiet literally) for hours. I missed classes. I sat curled up in the corner of the background of the caferita lust staring out the window. While the birds sang or the world took a dive in to a rainy oblivion.
That’s when I decided to make these lists. Lists that would help me redefine my ideas of a relationship are and would help me find that pretty perfect ground. But as I continued dating I started becoming quickly disenchanted with people.
If any of you remember what it was like SDHS, it was like growing with the twilight zone but with more drugs and stranger people.
I mean, it was a real weird place and it never made sense to me. Thank god I spent most of my time in the bottle or else I might have gone crazier than I ever was. I’m thankful I had some really great friends there is one thing that can never be taken for granted.
I easily burned my way through 45 people but none were worthy enough to get in my drawers with the exception of two. There were many heart breaks in between and for the longest time. I kinda figured it was me. Which in some senses I suppose it was.
When I did find someone who was good I had the tendency to push them away.
Recently, upon packing and unpacking boxes a list fell out. It was written when I was still with Colin and realized how I felt about things and trying to come to term with how I felt.
It was a list. Roughly a page with little empty hearts decorating each and every point I wanted in a person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I don’t have to get married or anything like that but someone was what I thought, “wanted and needed.”
I never wanted to settle down with anyone or rather felt I couldn’t. I guess what they say is true, just when you don’t want something is when it will bite you in the ass but it was more an expansion of the things I thought were important.
I remember how gullible I was. I thought I was so smooth and lucky when I met him. Older, kinda sexy, but he paid attention to me. Sounds shallow. Really dumb but give me a break I was what, 13, 14? We ended up dating on and off for several years. I thought he was everything to me. I let him smack me around a bit. I was barely 100 pounds being swung around by a 230 pound man about 6’1.
I remembered how I to hide the scars and bruises. I thought that would show how much I loved him. Once again, I didn’t say I was smart at this point. It was only when I realized that he had been breaking pieces of his chastity to other girls at “stoner’s” point—classy right? I sat down (quiet literally) for hours. I missed classes. I sat curled up in the corner of the background of the caferita lust staring out the window. While the birds sang or the world took a dive in to a rainy oblivion.
That’s when I decided to make these lists. Lists that would help me redefine my ideas of a relationship are and would help me find that pretty perfect ground. But as I continued dating I started becoming quickly disenchanted with people.
If any of you remember what it was like SDHS, it was like growing with the twilight zone but with more drugs and stranger people.
I mean, it was a real weird place and it never made sense to me. Thank god I spent most of my time in the bottle or else I might have gone crazier than I ever was. I’m thankful I had some really great friends there is one thing that can never be taken for granted.
I easily burned my way through 45 people but none were worthy enough to get in my drawers with the exception of two. There were many heart breaks in between and for the longest time. I kinda figured it was me. Which in some senses I suppose it was.
When I did find someone who was good I had the tendency to push them away.
Recently, upon packing and unpacking boxes a list fell out. It was written when I was still with Colin and realized how I felt about things and trying to come to term with how I felt.
It was a list. Roughly a page with little empty hearts decorating each and every point I wanted in a person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I don’t have to get married or anything like that but someone was what I thought, “wanted and needed.”
I never wanted to settle down with anyone or rather felt I couldn’t. I guess what they say is true, just when you don’t want something is when it will bite you in the ass but it was more an expansion of the things I thought were important.
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