It begins!

I have no idea how to even begin this or even what to say. Some of you might not like what I have to say but in that sense if you can’t take me at my worst you don’t deserve at my best. Sorry but thems the breaks. I think this started with I started writing when I first started a guy named “John”.


I remember how gullible I was. I thought I was so smooth and lucky when I met him. Older, kinda sexy, but he paid attention to me. Sounds shallow. Really dumb but give me a break I was what, 13, 14? We ended up dating on and off for several years. I thought he was everything to me. I let him smack me around a bit. I was barely 100 pounds being swung around by a 230 pound man about 6’1.


I remembered how I to hide the scars and bruises. I thought that would show how much I loved him. Once again, I didn’t say I was smart at this point. It was only when I realized that he had been breaking pieces of his chastity to other girls at “stoner’s” point—classy right? I sat down (quiet literally) for hours. I missed classes. I sat curled up in the corner of the background of the caferita lust staring out the window. While the birds sang or the world took a dive in to a rainy oblivion.


That’s when I decided to make these lists. Lists that would help me redefine my ideas of a relationship are and would help me find that pretty perfect ground. But as I continued dating I started becoming quickly disenchanted with people.
If any of you remember what it was like SDHS, it was like growing with the twilight zone but with more drugs and stranger people.


I mean, it was a real weird place and it never made sense to me. Thank god I spent most of my time in the bottle or else I might have gone crazier than I ever was. I’m thankful I had some really great friends there is one thing that can never be taken for granted.


I easily burned my way through 45 people but none were worthy enough to get in my drawers with the exception of two. There were many heart breaks in between and for the longest time. I kinda figured it was me. Which in some senses I suppose it was.
When I did find someone who was good I had the tendency to push them away.


Recently, upon packing and unpacking boxes a list fell out. It was written when I was still with Colin and realized how I felt about things and trying to come to term with how I felt.


It was a list. Roughly a page with little empty hearts decorating each and every point I wanted in a person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I don’t have to get married or anything like that but someone was what I thought, “wanted and needed.”


I never wanted to settle down with anyone or rather felt I couldn’t. I guess what they say is true, just when you don’t want something is when it will bite you in the ass but it was more an expansion of the things I thought were important.