Practically magic

One dark, stormy night lonely night when I was cruising my Netflix queue and came across an old favorite movie. I really didn’t have enough time to play around with movies lately but there it was, “practical magic.” I thought when I had watched the movie; it would just be a movie I hadn’t seen in a while. But considering everything that had happened over the last year or two maybe it wasn’t the greatest idea. But it made me re-evalulate a few those things on the list.

I first created the list to help me to no longer settle on people or things that always ended up being an issue. I wanted to give myself a code to prove to myself that I needed certain things. However, looking back on everything I decided maybe rewriting the list to make it even MORE exclusive would help protect my heart from being broken.

When you are married and happy, you are so far removed from any heart ache or the pain of losing a loved one to another. It is so easy to forget that and in the end it is a blessing and a curse. As I watching this movie I reminded me of why I started this list.

I was always told that the women in our family had a somewhat curse on them. The women were never to be happy in love or successful. They said it was something having to do with the gypsies in our family. Having only half the blood I kind of figured it was a 50/50 chance, glass half full thing.

I remember gazing over hot steel topped roofs and listening the dizzying music of urban jungle. I would step out on to the balcony feeling the cool relief of the cement on my feet. I stared at the distant stars filtering through the dark musk that was my night’s sky. The moon hung unusually low.

I wished for something better than this- somewhere with no curses or loneliness. I tried to think of ways out. Any way out but hopefully through the notion of true love. I tried through dating. I always looked good on someone’s arm. Apparently I looked like a girl next door and that looked good to parents but as it came to just a relationship, I seemed to push away at any given chance. Any excuse, I would find a reason to kick them out of my life.

That was my code. Everything was earned and there were a lot people not willing to stick around for the “earning” part but they wanted all the benefits. It was no skin off my nose to kick them out of my life but that was the hardest part. Finding reasons never was that easy either than the fact that they made me uncomfortable… okay VERY uncomfortable.